Since this blog was written the charity CROP has been relaunched and is now called PACE ( Parents against child sexual exploitation)

Contact information for any parents/carers looking for support

http://www.paceuk.info/contact-us/

For help and advice: 0113 240 3040
 For media enquiries: 07908 636749 

Strength and love

The last few years have been incredibly stressful, perhaps some of the decisions we made were not perfect but we did what we thought was right at the time.We have successfully rebuilt our shattered lives and despite some attempts this week to rock the boat we are united in the knowledge that not only have we survived as a family but we have not stooped to the illegal and immoral activities that have been used against us.

I have been encouraged to write a book about my experiences in the hope that others will learn about the dangers we faced and the long term implications of sexual grooming, abusive relationships and false allegations.
Sex offenders are often devious, manipulative and very dangerous, they use the most bizarre tactics to try and cover their past but their controlling psychopathic behaviour will eventually be their downfall.

August 2010

So much has happened since my last entry on here I thought it was time for an update

2 years ago we were told to give up on our daughter and forget about her,social workers told us we would never see her again,police officers told us we wouldn't want to.Being a mum is never easy but maternal instincts are stronger than anything else in the world so giving up on flesh and blood would just never happen.

Today she is a happy confident young woman,she has passed her driving test and has her own car,she has the most amazing boyfriend who is warmly welcomed into our family home.
Whats more she has passed her GCSE's,A*s As and B....not bad considering we are still waiting for the much promissed strategy meeting and support mechanisms to get her education back on track.

To all you parents out there in a similar situation......never give up hope...never stop fighting
Girls caught up in this nightmare are victims,they need help to recover,they need love and support,they need their family around them.

If by chance a young lady called Molly is reading this please remember you are a victim,you have done nothing wrong,the men you are with are dangerous and manipulative,please contact either your family or the police.

Christmas 2008

Yesterday was Christmas Eve,so along with thousands of other people across the world we went to do some last minute Christmas shopping,ours was slightly different though.

My husband son and I drove to Bristol and collected our beautiful daughter,the nightmare ended and she wanted to come home.Finally we are a family again,together after nearly 2 years,
so for us it will be the best Christmas ever.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS WORLD

Message from best friend


To Sxxxx,
It has been about 18 months since you left my life, yet it still feels like yesterday that you were here with me. I miss you so much, there were things that I could tell you that I could no-one else, and still can’t. I miss how you would be funny without trying to be funny but I most of all I miss you just being here. If you see this I just hope that you will at least make contact, come and visit or something because we are all worried about you.
I miss you
Love Hxxxxx
xxxxx

Birthday Wishes

Happy Birthday for tomorrow babes,
Another Birthday away from home

I want you to know how much I love you,how much I regret not protecting you,how much I hurt without you.

Our lives have changed so much,yet part of us is suspended in the past,we will never truly be able to move on,not without you.

If you ever need us we are here for you,the door is always open,you just need to shout.

Please remember whatever has happened I will always love you,no damage can't be undone.

A mother's love

A mother’s love is something that no-one can explain,
It is made of deep devotion and of sacrifice and pain,
A mother’s love shines brighter than any star in the sky
A mother’s love is never ending never complaining or asking why.
A mother’s love is feeding you giving you the very best
A mother’s love never bends, even when her strength is put to the test.
It is endless and unselfish and enduring come what may
For nothing can destroy it or take that love away …
It is patient and forgiving and it never fails or falters
Even though the heart is breaking …
It believes beyond believing, when the world around condems
And it glows with all the beauty of the rarest gems …
It is far beyond defining, it defies all explanation,
And it still remains a secret like the mysteries of creation …
A many splendoured miracle, man cannot understand
And another wonderous evidence of God’s tender guiding hand.
A mother’s love stays with you, even when you are apart
A mother’s love never dwindles, even when you break her heart.
A mother’s love is steadfast, it stands strong through the years
A mother’s love has endurance, through the smiles and the tears.

The final chapter

3rd April 2008
Today marks the anniversary of my daughter's disappearance after being groomed on the internet,exactly one year since I saw my beautiful,loving daughter.My emotions are still raw and today is far from easy so please forgive me if I repeat myself or go over old ground.Unless by some miracle I am reunited with my daughter this will be the final chapter of this blog,it appears that no-one in authority cares if she is dead or alive.
I remember this date last year vividly,S had been groomed for several months by this time and despite dozens of requests for help no-one cared about what was happening,no-one in authority that is.Friends and family were terrified by what was happening as were her school but people you turn to in times of need couldn't care less.It was blatantly obvious by February that S was being controlled by the 'bf' of course she couldn't see it,her brother kept telling her he was a paedophile but she wouldn't listen, the 'bf' had full control of her once vibrant personality.Each time I removed one of the secret mobile phones that he had supplied another one would appear as if by magic.The 'bf's' previous victim has since told us that the phones she was given were used for sex talk.Friends had been threatened and verbally abused by him,one poor family were accused of being drug dealers,one girl had to be escorted to the school bus each day after receiving death threats,one family were accused of maltreating their dog and were subsequently investigated by the RSPCA (not that they ever had a dog!!!!!)
What the 'bf' did to us was much worse,apart from the obvious of luring our daughter away from us,taking her away from the safety of her own home and messing with her mind,the accusations that he made will haunt me for the rest of my life.He repeatedly made accusations to the Police,Social services,and even spent weeks sending fax messages to her school,one weekend he called 999 every 10 minutes,the Police soon decided he was a raving nutter!My son was accused of breaking S's arm ,although she had never suffered a broken arm,the police still questioned him about it.My husband escaped relatively unscathed but then he was never close to S,it was me who bore the brunt of his ranting and raving,probably because S and I had always been so close and he had to try so hard to break the bond between us.
The 'bf' accused me of smashing my daughters skull against a brick wall and of holding her down and slashing her wrists,it would be funny if it wasn't so serious.She did have self harm injuries to her wrist,witnessed by a PC who we had asked to see her strange behaviour one day,she was also seen headbutting her bedroom wall by the same pc.The following day she reported to a doctor in Bristol the 'bf' telling the doctor that the injuries were a direct result of being assaulted by her abusive alcoholic mother!!In between October and December 2007 the 'bf' started a vendetta of internet allegations about me,pages and pages of accusations that S had been the victim of child abuse since the age of 12,these allegations were incredibly hurtful and pushed me to the very brink of suicide.
S and I had always been incredibly close,so much so that other people were jealous of how well we got on as mother and daughter.Of course our life wasn't perfect,who's is but we understood each other so well.I look back now on fond memories of the days we had together,the girly times cuddled on the sofa watching Eastenders and sharing pringles,or the baking days when we would take over the kitchen,spending the whole day experimenting with cake recipes,more flour in our hair than in the cakes.S loved animals especially her beloved rabbits,I still have video footage of her appearance on Pet rescue and dozens of photos of her cuddling her favourite furballs.How the 'bf' ever persuaded her to leave her little baby bunny will always puzzle me,she was worried sick when we went away for a week and entrusted her care with neighbours.Of course that poor bunny pined for her when she left,sat each day looking for her,those sad eyes not understanding why she wouldn't come home.
The house is very different now,a pet free zone,none of S's pot plants scattered around,no more sound of the rock tumbler churning away in the shed,no more girly laundry in the machine,no more giggly sleepovers in the garden.In the last year I have seen my son change from a carefree devilish little kid to a strapping young man deeply moved by the course of events,worried about things that 14 year olds shouldn't even understand.
What happened to S the day she disappeared we may never know,we do have proof that she went to Bristol,something that the 'bf' still denies,she wasn't seen for over 6 months and has only been seen by the authorities on 2 occasions since.During the time she was missing we worked tirelessly with the media,both in asking for help to locate her and warning other families of the dangers of sexual grooming.Most media work we were prepared for but waking up to see our daughter projected onto Marble Arch was a huge shock,the charity missing people had forgotten to mention it to us!
We attended regular meetings with the police going over the same information again and again,desperately looking for clues,I spent hours and hours on the internet searching for some idea as to where she was.Of course although he has denied it we now know for a fact that the 'bf' and his dad knew exactly where she was all the way along,the dad even kept press cuttings about her on the back seat of his car,bizzare to say the least!The 'bf' has ruined not just our lives but also S's future,today I can safely say that I don't know if she is dead or alive,I hold him personally responsible if anything happens to her.As her friends prepare to sit their GCSE's and look to the future S is left to live a life of crime and grime with the 'bf' and hid dad.
Despite countless attempts to cause trouble for us,the police know that the allegations against me were a pack of lies,they didn't believe them for a minute.The public of course don't know the full facts,I still find it incredibly difficult to go out in our sleepy town without people questioning what happened,I'm sick to death of people saying there's no smoke without fire or that if there was nothing wrong at home she would have come home by now.Of course people round here think grooming is something you do to your hair,and the three P's don't exist (that's pimping paedophile and prostitution for those of you innocent enough not to know)
I will never understand how the 'bf' had so much control over S,although I have now seen evidence of him doing this sort of thing before so I suppose he has become an expert at it.I still love my daughter,but I love the carefree girl I once knew,the happy,polite and loving girl that I was so proud of.Whether or not I ever see her again is debatable,the door is still open.....just,but as each day passes we grow further apart,our lives move in opposite directions.
The effect that sexual grooming and missing children has on the close family is obvious,not many people realise just how far and wide the trauma travels,grandparents,aunts,uncles,cousins,neighbours,school friends teachers,the list goes on.It is too late to save S from the damage this man has caused but the fight to protect others must go on,one day the government will sit up and take notice,let's just hope that day comes sooner rather than later

A huge thanks to Thames Valley Police and the fantastic Sarah at CROP for their support over the last year,I wouldn't be here without you guys.

March 2007 The month from hell

The month started with us living if fear for our daughter's life and ended up no better,so much happened that month I could write a whole book about it,perhaps I will one day but here's a brief summary:
My husband has his first direct contact with the BF on the phone,what an experience that was,the police officers are all bogus,he's had this sort of thing before,they are just acting,not real police officers...........is he a nutter????
A neighbour calls in to tell us about death threats from the BF,not a man easily unnerved,a prison officer used to dealing with his type,but he is obviously very concerned and has made a formal complaint to the Police.
The Police come round and tell S a few home truths about the BF,during their visit the BF is on the phone to one of the police officers and is obviously incredibly abusive towards him,the officer is heard to say....."don't you dare speak to me like that"
The everlasting phone call,all we can hear all day and night is the BF on speaker phone giving S orders,get a drink,have a shower,wash your hair,I tried to remove the phone but she has the most amazing strength,we assume that she must be on drugs.
Social services tell us that they can't help,we as parents must ride the storm,our social worker is not much more than a child herself.
After days of no sleep,we decide that the only way to break the control is to remove the phone,S becomes possessed and manages to pick me up and throw me accross the landing,the 2 friends in the house at the time are clearly in shock at what happened and one leaves in tears,shaking like a leaf.
S disappears and is found in Bristol in a motel room a few days later,my husband has to drive as far as Swindon (the halfway point ) to collect her,signing a piece of paper on the bonnet of a police car to reclaim our daughter in the middle of the night.
The frustration is getting too much,no-one will help us,we tell the SS that unless they help we will take her to county hall and leave her there,eventually we have a visit from the GP and the SS,not that it does much good,S goes out under the BF's instructions and once again disappears.
The BF is to be charged with sexual grooming and harrasment,child abduction papers are also issued.
S suddenly appears at 1am after a week away,she doesn't look as though she's washed since she left and doesn't smell fresh!! her behaviour is odd to say the least,so much so that we end up calling the paramedics to check her over.
Throughout all of this the support we get from SS is a joke,I naively thought they would help us.
S has a complete wobbler,so much so that we call the police to witness her behaviour,PC W arrives and she goes balistic,bashing her head against the wall and smashing her desk,she then tries to cut her arms with nails she has pulled out of her desk,PC W is a witness to the whole thing.
The police have a phone call from the BF's dad,saying that the BF is seriously ill in hospital after attempting suicide,S needs to be at his deathbed,we refuse to let her go and within a few hours the BF makes a remarkable recovery and is tucked up at home with his dad.
We attend a meeting at county hall where the SW tells us she has learnt some info about the BF's background,of course she won't tell us what!
S had a brief get together with her best friend,for a short time she seemed almost normal again although the BF was on the phone threatening her during their meeting.
S disappears again and is picked up by police later that day,she has attended a doctor in Bristol and has accused us of being child abusers.
The behaviour becomes more bizarre,sitting under her desk rocking backwards and forwards self harming,screaming about nothing,home life is now unbearable.
The out of hours team have received a fax from the BF stating that I had tried to kill S on 3 separate occasions and that S's life was in danger,he has also sent similar faxes to the school,even the SS admit he is a raving nutter!
I manage to get S to the doctor,who agrees that her injuries are consistent with self harm,the doc suggested that S should take contraception but was told that she was being sick in the head to consider that they were having sex.
The language from our once loving and polite daughter is now awful,anyone daring to go near her is told to F-off,or is labelled a F-ing paedophile.
S goes into school but vanishes during the day, to appear just before midnight the following day.
S goes out for the day and is stopped by police during a drugs raid at mk station!
During all this nightmare we try to keep life as normal as possible for our son and of course we need to go to work whenever we can but we both end up taking time off to handle the ongoing nightmare.

Does anyone care?

When a child goes missing the effect on the family is traumatic to say the least,but the police stir into action to help locate them.
When your daughter is groomed it's a different ball game,yes while she is considered to be a missing child at risk the police do what they can to locate her but then what?
Back in October when our daughter was located at the home of the perpetrator the police as expected closed the missper case,various agencies were involved and we were told by police that social services would now step in to handle the situation.

Looking back to that fateful day I suppose I knew it was over,chances were I would never see her again,if I was relying on social care to save the day I might as well wait for pigs to start flying.The Social workers in Bristol still to this day have never met her,I don't believe they have any intention of getting involved,the last time she was seen by anyone in authority was during a truancy sweep back in November.I spoke to the person concerned who told me what happened that day and she was understandably concerned for my daughter's safety and wellbeing.
Since then ..nothing,is she still there,is she still being controlled by the man,is she safe,
No-one seems to know and apart from CROP no-one seems to care,I spend hours every week writing to people asking for someone to intervene you see it's not just our daughter,this is a national problem,hundreds of girls in the same situation.

This week will bring 2 TV programs of interest,The Bill is showing a story of a girl groomed on the internet I hope the guy doesn't get convicted.......I would hate for it to be that far-fetched!!!
On Thursday Panorama are hoping to show their program on sexual exploitation,including the experiences of staff at CROP and more importantly the true story of one girls rehabilitation after being lured into an exploitative relationship.

What happened to GREAT Britain

The last year has really hammered home to me just what a mess this country is in,it is now normal for criminals to be protected.The innocent have no rights,despite millions of pounds being spent on strategies and policies to improve life in this country.
The safeguarding children framework is a classic example,it is designed to protect children up to the age of 18...what a joke!!


This is the official line from the home office..........
I am sorry to hear of your experience of not getting the help you obviously need concerning the safeguarding of your daughter. 'Working Together to Safeguard Children', the main inter-agency guidance to safeguarding and promoting the welfare of children, defines a child using the definition in the Children Acts 1989 and 2004, as anyone who has not yet reached their 18th birthday. The processes that the guidance sets out for safeguarding children therefore apply to all children up to the age of 18. The fact that a child has reached the age of 16 or is living independently does not change their status or entitlement to services or protection under the Children Act 1989.


So that's the official line but what of the reality?
We are told that as parents of a 16 year old we have no rights,but of course we can be prosecuted for her not attending school!!!
Social services drag their feet in cases like ours until the child is old enough for the case to be closed,but even then they won't hear the end of me!

Our daughter was groomed by a man with a chequered history,she was not the only girl who he had done this to.It is now nearly a year since we saw her and we have no idea if she is safe or not,social workers are a complete joke,I have written to them and told them that if anything happens to her they will have blood on their hands.

We are told to forget that we ever had a daughter and move on with our lives,could any mum ever forget 15 years of love?? I seriously doubt it!

We are told that she is safe despite the fact that not one social worker in Bristol has ever laid eyes on her,in fact the last time she was seen by anyone in authority was in mid November,but hey we shouldn't be worried...or so they tell us!

We are of course not the only family that this has happened to,there are hundreds of others out there going through the same nightmare as us,some girls are as young as 10 and in 99% of cases the social workers are not interested.So just who is supposed to be looking out for their welfare,should it be social workers,parents or charity workers?

I can safely say that if it wasn't for the help and support that we have had from CROP we wouldn't have survived the last year,but as a charity they are struggling to cope with the size of the problem.

The police officers that we have dealt with have been fantastic,don't get me wrong,but the law itself is useless unless it is used appropriately.

I would like to be able to say that social workers could do a good job if they had more funding but recent months have made it clear that it's unlikely.I have made complaints about the way our case has been handled and had those complaints been handled properly I would have been satisfied.No such luck!!! Our social worker has denied that conversations have taken place,despite police officers being present on many occassions,to be honest it has just put my back up even more.

We have now decided that this country is no longer for us,it's time to move.
Our son will finish his compulsary education then we are planning to leave for pastures new,not a decission we have taken lightly but in the circumstances we have lost all faith in what this country used to stand for.

Life goes on

Parts of me stand still at the time my daughter disappeared,trapped in the emotion of losing something so precious,always blaming myself for not preventing the man getting his claws into her.How did I let it happen? Why couldn't I stop it? Am I the only one who cares?

Of course life has to go on,we have to work,pay the bills and get on with everyday life,unlike the high profile missing Maddie case we are not in a position to rely on a huge fund and travel the world,the truth is I wouldn't even if I could,it's not my way.
We have as much as possible carried on with our lives,yes I admit we have both taken time off work,but days rather than months,mostly to attend meetings with the police etc,
Our son has only missed a few days at school,we need to keep to his routine as much as possible,he may be a teenager but even so normality is something of a coping mechanism.

Some life changes are planned for,moving house,special holidays,maybe even a new car,but of course losing a loved one is something no-one would consider planning for,financially or emotionally.We have never had much money,nothing changes there,but we've always got by.
If someone asked me how much is in the bank now I wouldn't have a clue,it's one of those things I really don't care about anymore,I've lost interest,some things don't matter,I could be a millionaire and it wouldn't matter.The garden is a mess and the house is dirty,I haven't baked many cakes since she went,it hurts too much to remember the daft days when we used to have flour fights in the kitchen.

When a child goes missing,it's a bit like a bereavement,you think nothing will be the same again,of course normal things creep back into your life,you don't notice at first then suddenly you reach a point where you have to accept the past and move on.
I found myself at our local casualty department this week,waiting for my son to be x-rayed,my kids have always been in scrapes,falling off bikes etc so nothing unusual,perhaps the only difference was that big sis wasn't there this time for morale support.

The fight for justice goes on,perhaps not in the forefront of our lives,I will never forgive the dreaded wasps for their failings,if anything ever happens to my daughter they will have blood on their hands.Like so many others before her,our daughter is forgotten by the authorities because she is now 16,left in an environment that was once alien to her,gone is the sweet naive girl we knew,now in a life of crime and grime.Always in the hearts and minds of family,never forgotten by friends,some still mention her on websites this week,GCSE's are upon them but they will never forget such a special friend.

We are in a better position than last year,we can now plan weeks ahead,last year days were impossible,in fact even planning hours ahead were a risk.
Our son will have a fantastic summer in the sun,surrounded by people who love him,as for our daughter,who knows what the future holds?

Part of me is scared for her,knowing what has happened and what the man is capable off,unsure of why the wasps protect him so much and at the same time the police treat him with such contempt.
Part of me hates what our daughter has done to us,standing by a man who can cause so much havoc in our lives,letting us think she was dead.
I have to remind myself that she is a victim of crime and hope that one day she will break free ,and realise what he really is.Victims of sexual exploitation can take years to accept what has been done to them,let's just hope that her loved ones are still here when the truth dawns on her.

Much changes and life does go on.

Mothers Day

I remember the old days ,2006 and before,my daughter was always so loving especially on Mother's day.
I have a bundle of treasured memories,cards and keepsakes.Messages to say "I love you mum"
or "The best Mum in the world " .
I sit here today,thinking of Shannon Matthews and what her mum is going through,remembering back to last year when my daughter was missing,the pain and hurt that lives within you forever.What turned my kind and compassionate daughter into a complete stranger,what control did that man have over her?

Sitting on the kitchen unit today is a beautiful bouquet,from a loving daughter to her mum.
It is of course waiting to be collected by a neighbour,the florist didn't have a clue how symbolic it was to ask me to look after it.

Treasured Memories

After my daughter disappeared her belongings were put into storage,most of them at least.
Today my son wanted to sort through the few bits and bobs we have left here,I guess it's his way of dealing with the situation.The thought of looking through them again filled me with fear,knowing full well that my emotions are still raw.
As I sat looking at what remains,I wonder what sort of life she has now,will she ever be the same happy, carefree person she once was.

Back in September,just before her birthday,schoolfriends came to the house to film a TV appeal,they also brought presents and cards.Those presents remain unopened,still waiting for the loving girl to come home.
Today,I'm not sure why,I felt the need to open the cards and letters,some nagging doubt that one may just hold a clue to where everything went wrong.It was as though they were the only part of her that the police hadn't been through with a fine tooth comb.

One letter is from someone who was a very special friend,in fact they shared the same birthday
As I read that letter aloud to my son tears flowed down my cheeks,a neverending stream of bottled emotions.I don't know if that girl has made contact with my daughter since,I guess I may never know,but I do wonder if the man realises just how much pain he has caused.

As I pack these last few memories into a box along with the pink rabbit and brown teddy bear,I feel as though I'm closing a chapter in our lives.

The long fight for justice

Justice isn't something that will happen overnight,it may take years,but one day justice will come for all the victims of exploitation.



You see I have a dream,perhaps it is far-fetched,perhaps I'm crazy to believe in parent power but dreams make the world go around!

My hopes and dreams are the same as those of most people in my situation;



* Safety for our children



* Prosecution for the perpetrators



* Social workers who understand sexual exploitation



* Clear-cut rules on the oh so murky grey area



* 24/7 support for parents from people who genuinely understand the problem



* More safe houses for exploited girls and women



* Regular contact and updates from the authorities



The last year has opened my eyes to the unsavoury world of grooming,exploitation and lack of concern from the authorities.

Broken hearted

How can I help my son to get through this nightmare?
He's hurting so badly,a whole year without his sister,the anger and frustration is pushing him to the limit and no explanation,no reason.

Today is the first day of half term,this time last year my son could see his sister slipping away from us.He always looked up to her,they were so close,now he hates her for the pain we have all been through.I can't explain the reasons for what happened,I don't have the answers,I want to hold him close and tell him it will all be ok.......but will it?

I know today's a tough one,he doesn't have to tell me,I can tell by the music.
Certain songs have become symbolic:snow patrol...cars,Paramore...broken, the one on the youtube video for ceop,and of course Greenday.....September

Our lives have been turned upside down and the future scares the hell out of me.
If anything happens to my son I don't think I could go on,yet I can't stop him from living his life.
His big sis should be here to support him,not living a different life away from the people who love her.

My horoscope

This really made me laugh,
Horoscopes are usually a load of coblers,but this one seems so accurate!


Taureans are often described as stubborn.Honestly! What were those astrologers thinking of? You? Set in your ways?Doggedly determined? Why that is about as likely as....as.....well...er...I suppose,they may have a point.But only sometimes.Only when there's justification or a goal worth achieving.It is not as though you pick fights for the sake of it.
This week something is wrong and it has to be put right.That's going to require every last ounce of strength.Don't apologise for your motivation and tenacity,be proud of it.

Public Protection Order

13th February

This date sticks in my mind,or is it the pit of my stomach?
Looking back to this day last year,it was the realisation of just what what we were dealing with,just how evil and cunning someone could really be.

Our daughter had been missing for 3 days,the police had spoken to her on the phone and convinced her to call in at a local police station so that she could be "sighted".
We were initially relieved that she had been found safe and well but the events that followed have haunted me ever since.
When she went out on 10th Feb she had left a really nice letter,saying that she was going away with ***** for a few days,we were livid of course but the letter reassured us everything would be back to normal very soon.

When the two of them appeared at the Bristol police station,she was detained under a Public Protection order,what happened next is unclear as we were not presesnt,the information we have has come from police officers so we believe it to be a true account of the events of that night.

Our loving daughter under the control of the perpetrator accused my husband and I of being child abusers,I still feel sick today thinking about this.
We have never hurt our children and never would,the Police of course had to investigate,which we fully accepted.
Due to the allegations and the fact that she had been trafficked over 3 hours away from home ,it was decided to place her in temporary Foster care overnight,sadly after approximately 3 hours she disappeared,not to be seen again for 2 weeks.

I will never understand how this guy controlled her,was it drugs,brainwashing,who knows?
But control he did,he stole my daughter last February,stole a much loved sister,we are now left with so much uncertainty and so many unanswered questions.


So what about this year?

At the moment memories are still raw,we try to live a normal a life as possible,but the truth is our lives will never ever be the same.
February 2007 changed us all forever,some people say things happen for a reason,some days that is easier to believe than others.

As a parent I will never be able to forgive myself for not protecting my little girl,for not being able to stop the grooming process once I could see what was happening,something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Emotional overload

Today is so very hard,
10th February sticks vividly in my mind...the very first day my baby disappeared,the first day of our nightmare.
I'm trying to keep busy,cleaning the house,but memories are everywhere.All of her possessions have been put into storage,too painful to look at them any more.

Daft things trigger emotions,watering our only remaining houseplant,the others died long ago.The house was once full of plants,mostly her spider plants,about 47 I seem to remember,of course as the last year progressed the plants soon gave up the ghost,as did the pets and as did our hope.

Lurking in the shoe cupboard are a very dusty pair of school shoes,they should go in the bin,but I can't bring myself to do it,she has lost the opportunity to complete her education but somehow throwing them away seems so final.

As I dust the ornaments and picture frames I remember the sweet angelic girl I once knew,I wonder if I will ever see her again.Is she still loving and caring,honest and truthful or has he changed her beyond recognition?

My husband and I went to Westminster on Thursday to meet with the Bristol MP,she listened to what we had to say but somehow I don't think she heard us.

The truth is that appart from the team at CROP no-one really cares,the dreaded wasps certainly don't.I have yet to find a wasp who even understands what sexual grroming is!

Friends become strangers,avoiding you because they don't know what to say anymore,life becomes incredibly lonely.

Somehow it doesn't matter who wants to talk and who doesn't,there is only one person I want to sit down and talk to,so many questions unanswered,so much hurt,so much uncertainty.