I remember the old days ,2006 and before,my daughter was always so loving especially on Mother's day.
I have a bundle of treasured memories,cards and keepsakes.Messages to say "I love you mum"
or "The best Mum in the world " .
I sit here today,thinking of Shannon Matthews and what her mum is going through,remembering back to last year when my daughter was missing,the pain and hurt that lives within you forever.What turned my kind and compassionate daughter into a complete stranger,what control did that man have over her?
Sitting on the kitchen unit today is a beautiful bouquet,from a loving daughter to her mum.
It is of course waiting to be collected by a neighbour,the florist didn't have a clue how symbolic it was to ask me to look after it.
Sunday, 2 March 2008
Wednesday, 20 February 2008
Treasured Memories
After my daughter disappeared her belongings were put into storage,most of them at least.
Today my son wanted to sort through the few bits and bobs we have left here,I guess it's his way of dealing with the situation.The thought of looking through them again filled me with fear,knowing full well that my emotions are still raw.
As I sat looking at what remains,I wonder what sort of life she has now,will she ever be the same happy, carefree person she once was.
Back in September,just before her birthday,schoolfriends came to the house to film a TV appeal,they also brought presents and cards.Those presents remain unopened,still waiting for the loving girl to come home.
Today,I'm not sure why,I felt the need to open the cards and letters,some nagging doubt that one may just hold a clue to where everything went wrong.It was as though they were the only part of her that the police hadn't been through with a fine tooth comb.
One letter is from someone who was a very special friend,in fact they shared the same birthday
As I read that letter aloud to my son tears flowed down my cheeks,a neverending stream of bottled emotions.I don't know if that girl has made contact with my daughter since,I guess I may never know,but I do wonder if the man realises just how much pain he has caused.
As I pack these last few memories into a box along with the pink rabbit and brown teddy bear,I feel as though I'm closing a chapter in our lives.
Today my son wanted to sort through the few bits and bobs we have left here,I guess it's his way of dealing with the situation.The thought of looking through them again filled me with fear,knowing full well that my emotions are still raw.
As I sat looking at what remains,I wonder what sort of life she has now,will she ever be the same happy, carefree person she once was.
Back in September,just before her birthday,schoolfriends came to the house to film a TV appeal,they also brought presents and cards.Those presents remain unopened,still waiting for the loving girl to come home.
Today,I'm not sure why,I felt the need to open the cards and letters,some nagging doubt that one may just hold a clue to where everything went wrong.It was as though they were the only part of her that the police hadn't been through with a fine tooth comb.
One letter is from someone who was a very special friend,in fact they shared the same birthday
As I read that letter aloud to my son tears flowed down my cheeks,a neverending stream of bottled emotions.I don't know if that girl has made contact with my daughter since,I guess I may never know,but I do wonder if the man realises just how much pain he has caused.
As I pack these last few memories into a box along with the pink rabbit and brown teddy bear,I feel as though I'm closing a chapter in our lives.
Monday, 18 February 2008
The long fight for justice
Justice isn't something that will happen overnight,it may take years,but one day justice will come for all the victims of exploitation.
You see I have a dream,perhaps it is far-fetched,perhaps I'm crazy to believe in parent power but dreams make the world go around!
My hopes and dreams are the same as those of most people in my situation;
* Safety for our children
* Prosecution for the perpetrators
* Social workers who understand sexual exploitation
* Clear-cut rules on the oh so murky grey area
* 24/7 support for parents from people who genuinely understand the problem
* More safe houses for exploited girls and women
* Regular contact and updates from the authorities
The last year has opened my eyes to the unsavoury world of grooming,exploitation and lack of concern from the authorities.
You see I have a dream,perhaps it is far-fetched,perhaps I'm crazy to believe in parent power but dreams make the world go around!
My hopes and dreams are the same as those of most people in my situation;
* Safety for our children
* Prosecution for the perpetrators
* Social workers who understand sexual exploitation
* Clear-cut rules on the oh so murky grey area
* 24/7 support for parents from people who genuinely understand the problem
* More safe houses for exploited girls and women
* Regular contact and updates from the authorities
The last year has opened my eyes to the unsavoury world of grooming,exploitation and lack of concern from the authorities.
Saturday, 16 February 2008
Broken hearted
How can I help my son to get through this nightmare?
He's hurting so badly,a whole year without his sister,the anger and frustration is pushing him to the limit and no explanation,no reason.
Today is the first day of half term,this time last year my son could see his sister slipping away from us.He always looked up to her,they were so close,now he hates her for the pain we have all been through.I can't explain the reasons for what happened,I don't have the answers,I want to hold him close and tell him it will all be ok.......but will it?
I know today's a tough one,he doesn't have to tell me,I can tell by the music.
Certain songs have become symbolic:snow patrol...cars,Paramore...broken, the one on the youtube video for ceop,and of course Greenday.....September
Our lives have been turned upside down and the future scares the hell out of me.
If anything happens to my son I don't think I could go on,yet I can't stop him from living his life.
His big sis should be here to support him,not living a different life away from the people who love her.
He's hurting so badly,a whole year without his sister,the anger and frustration is pushing him to the limit and no explanation,no reason.
Today is the first day of half term,this time last year my son could see his sister slipping away from us.He always looked up to her,they were so close,now he hates her for the pain we have all been through.I can't explain the reasons for what happened,I don't have the answers,I want to hold him close and tell him it will all be ok.......but will it?
I know today's a tough one,he doesn't have to tell me,I can tell by the music.
Certain songs have become symbolic:snow patrol...cars,Paramore...broken, the one on the youtube video for ceop,and of course Greenday.....September
Our lives have been turned upside down and the future scares the hell out of me.
If anything happens to my son I don't think I could go on,yet I can't stop him from living his life.
His big sis should be here to support him,not living a different life away from the people who love her.
My horoscope
This really made me laugh,
Horoscopes are usually a load of coblers,but this one seems so accurate!
Taureans are often described as stubborn.Honestly! What were those astrologers thinking of? You? Set in your ways?Doggedly determined? Why that is about as likely as....as.....well...er...I suppose,they may have a point.But only sometimes.Only when there's justification or a goal worth achieving.It is not as though you pick fights for the sake of it.
This week something is wrong and it has to be put right.That's going to require every last ounce of strength.Don't apologise for your motivation and tenacity,be proud of it.
Horoscopes are usually a load of coblers,but this one seems so accurate!
Taureans are often described as stubborn.Honestly! What were those astrologers thinking of? You? Set in your ways?Doggedly determined? Why that is about as likely as....as.....well...er...I suppose,they may have a point.But only sometimes.Only when there's justification or a goal worth achieving.It is not as though you pick fights for the sake of it.
This week something is wrong and it has to be put right.That's going to require every last ounce of strength.Don't apologise for your motivation and tenacity,be proud of it.
Wednesday, 13 February 2008
Public Protection Order
13th February
This date sticks in my mind,or is it the pit of my stomach?
Looking back to this day last year,it was the realisation of just what what we were dealing with,just how evil and cunning someone could really be.
Our daughter had been missing for 3 days,the police had spoken to her on the phone and convinced her to call in at a local police station so that she could be "sighted".
We were initially relieved that she had been found safe and well but the events that followed have haunted me ever since.
When she went out on 10th Feb she had left a really nice letter,saying that she was going away with ***** for a few days,we were livid of course but the letter reassured us everything would be back to normal very soon.
When the two of them appeared at the Bristol police station,she was detained under a Public Protection order,what happened next is unclear as we were not presesnt,the information we have has come from police officers so we believe it to be a true account of the events of that night.
Our loving daughter under the control of the perpetrator accused my husband and I of being child abusers,I still feel sick today thinking about this.
We have never hurt our children and never would,the Police of course had to investigate,which we fully accepted.
Due to the allegations and the fact that she had been trafficked over 3 hours away from home ,it was decided to place her in temporary Foster care overnight,sadly after approximately 3 hours she disappeared,not to be seen again for 2 weeks.
I will never understand how this guy controlled her,was it drugs,brainwashing,who knows?
But control he did,he stole my daughter last February,stole a much loved sister,we are now left with so much uncertainty and so many unanswered questions.
So what about this year?
At the moment memories are still raw,we try to live a normal a life as possible,but the truth is our lives will never ever be the same.
February 2007 changed us all forever,some people say things happen for a reason,some days that is easier to believe than others.
As a parent I will never be able to forgive myself for not protecting my little girl,for not being able to stop the grooming process once I could see what was happening,something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
This date sticks in my mind,or is it the pit of my stomach?
Looking back to this day last year,it was the realisation of just what what we were dealing with,just how evil and cunning someone could really be.
Our daughter had been missing for 3 days,the police had spoken to her on the phone and convinced her to call in at a local police station so that she could be "sighted".
We were initially relieved that she had been found safe and well but the events that followed have haunted me ever since.
When she went out on 10th Feb she had left a really nice letter,saying that she was going away with ***** for a few days,we were livid of course but the letter reassured us everything would be back to normal very soon.
When the two of them appeared at the Bristol police station,she was detained under a Public Protection order,what happened next is unclear as we were not presesnt,the information we have has come from police officers so we believe it to be a true account of the events of that night.
Our loving daughter under the control of the perpetrator accused my husband and I of being child abusers,I still feel sick today thinking about this.
We have never hurt our children and never would,the Police of course had to investigate,which we fully accepted.
Due to the allegations and the fact that she had been trafficked over 3 hours away from home ,it was decided to place her in temporary Foster care overnight,sadly after approximately 3 hours she disappeared,not to be seen again for 2 weeks.
I will never understand how this guy controlled her,was it drugs,brainwashing,who knows?
But control he did,he stole my daughter last February,stole a much loved sister,we are now left with so much uncertainty and so many unanswered questions.
So what about this year?
At the moment memories are still raw,we try to live a normal a life as possible,but the truth is our lives will never ever be the same.
February 2007 changed us all forever,some people say things happen for a reason,some days that is easier to believe than others.
As a parent I will never be able to forgive myself for not protecting my little girl,for not being able to stop the grooming process once I could see what was happening,something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Sunday, 10 February 2008
Emotional overload
Today is so very hard,
10th February sticks vividly in my mind...the very first day my baby disappeared,the first day of our nightmare.
I'm trying to keep busy,cleaning the house,but memories are everywhere.All of her possessions have been put into storage,too painful to look at them any more.
Daft things trigger emotions,watering our only remaining houseplant,the others died long ago.The house was once full of plants,mostly her spider plants,about 47 I seem to remember,of course as the last year progressed the plants soon gave up the ghost,as did the pets and as did our hope.
Lurking in the shoe cupboard are a very dusty pair of school shoes,they should go in the bin,but I can't bring myself to do it,she has lost the opportunity to complete her education but somehow throwing them away seems so final.
As I dust the ornaments and picture frames I remember the sweet angelic girl I once knew,I wonder if I will ever see her again.Is she still loving and caring,honest and truthful or has he changed her beyond recognition?
My husband and I went to Westminster on Thursday to meet with the Bristol MP,she listened to what we had to say but somehow I don't think she heard us.
The truth is that appart from the team at CROP no-one really cares,the dreaded wasps certainly don't.I have yet to find a wasp who even understands what sexual grroming is!
Friends become strangers,avoiding you because they don't know what to say anymore,life becomes incredibly lonely.
Somehow it doesn't matter who wants to talk and who doesn't,there is only one person I want to sit down and talk to,so many questions unanswered,so much hurt,so much uncertainty.
10th February sticks vividly in my mind...the very first day my baby disappeared,the first day of our nightmare.
I'm trying to keep busy,cleaning the house,but memories are everywhere.All of her possessions have been put into storage,too painful to look at them any more.
Daft things trigger emotions,watering our only remaining houseplant,the others died long ago.The house was once full of plants,mostly her spider plants,about 47 I seem to remember,of course as the last year progressed the plants soon gave up the ghost,as did the pets and as did our hope.
Lurking in the shoe cupboard are a very dusty pair of school shoes,they should go in the bin,but I can't bring myself to do it,she has lost the opportunity to complete her education but somehow throwing them away seems so final.
As I dust the ornaments and picture frames I remember the sweet angelic girl I once knew,I wonder if I will ever see her again.Is she still loving and caring,honest and truthful or has he changed her beyond recognition?
My husband and I went to Westminster on Thursday to meet with the Bristol MP,she listened to what we had to say but somehow I don't think she heard us.
The truth is that appart from the team at CROP no-one really cares,the dreaded wasps certainly don't.I have yet to find a wasp who even understands what sexual grroming is!
Friends become strangers,avoiding you because they don't know what to say anymore,life becomes incredibly lonely.
Somehow it doesn't matter who wants to talk and who doesn't,there is only one person I want to sit down and talk to,so many questions unanswered,so much hurt,so much uncertainty.
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