I have never been a naive person but I have to admit a lot of what has happened this year has shocked me,of course I was aware of cyberbullying and false accusations,but this is just ridiculous!
Back in February2007 the local police wanted to speak to our daughter due to her "boyfriend" making threats to her schoolfriend,not just any old threats,some really nasty stuff,he even accused her of dealing in drugs and reported it to the police.I must admit I had forgotten about that part until a friend reminded me today.
Of course the police weren't able to speak to our daughter as she had gone walkabouts,the first of many disappearing acts this year.
Looking back at what has happened since is like reading some far fetched novel,in fact if we hadn't recorded every detail in our now mammoth diary there is no way I would remember it all.The "boyfriend" had also threatened another friend,on a bebo site,I would post it here but to be honest,I don't want to see it again,it is vile!!
Between February and April the "boyfriend" made several phone calls to the police, in fact one weekend he made a bloody nuicance of himself, phoning up several times an hour on 999 calls.
He accused us of harming our daughter, each time the police came round she was happily in her room, totally unaware as we were that any assault had taken place.
I was disturbed to say the least by his behaviour but was told by the authorities that he had mental health problems and he didn't understand what he was doing, mmmmmm believe that if you wish!!
In March our daughter reported to a Doctor in Bristol with obvious self harm injuries, the doctor was told that our daughter was the victim of child abuse by an abussive alcoholic mother!!!!
When the doctor was later interviewed about this report they stated that they didn't believe a word of it but had to write what they were told!!
That is something that to this day I will never understand, what happened to ethics,truth and justice!
The police obviously investigated this, and as I clearly had nothing to hide as I had done nothing wrong, I was more than willing to discuss anything with the police and answer any questions they had.
To this day we still have a good relationship with the police, we have always been upfront and truthful with them, any innocent person will, as we did happily answer any questions they may have.
The officers who interviewed our daughter have made it clear that they didn't believe a word,they were in no doubt that she was being totally controlled by the "boyfriend".
What they read in that letter was clearly rubbish,the injuries were consistent with self harm.
Since October someone with a Bristol IP address has been leaving messages all over the internet to say that I am a serial child abuser,some are almost funny they are so ridiculous.I admit that I have found some very hurtful,as a loving and caring mum who had always had a strong relationship with her daughter anyone would be upset by them.
I read this week that I have been the subject of an NSPCC investigation.....really?
Funny but I think I might have been aware of it!!
This same person has also threatened dozens of people who I have never even met, people who kindly showed our daughters details on internet sites during the 6 long months that she was missing.Many of these people have forwarded me details of e.mails that they had received, most are from a lady called *** who coincidentally has the same e.mail address as the "boyfriend"
The same e.mail address that was used in letters to the press complaints authority and the same e.mail address that was used by the person who set up a bebo account over a year ago designed to target young vulnerable young girls, telling them that they were very sexy!!!
I have given copies of the threats to the police and to a journalist,our diary is ongoing,this story is far from over.We haven't seen our daughter since April,who knows if we ever will? She is the victim of a crime and one day we hope that she will be free to tell the world about the dangers of sexual grooming,but first she nees to break free from the clutches of the "boyfriend".
Sunday, 30 December 2007
blog comment from a schoolfriend
This message was posted on the mirror forum by a schoolfriend of my daughter,I have deleted any names to respect privacy,but I feel it is important that people understand just how many are affected by this situation.It's not immediate family,close friends but hundreds of other people.
.......................................................................................................................................................................
People on this website have been so kind and lovely, discussing ****** disapearance and offering words of support.
However, they don't know really the whole story do they? Who does? I don't! This feels like something out of a story book, or something you'd see on the news. Like on a story I read today that someone who spoke to ***** wrote, 'it's not meant to happen to you, just other people!' Not saying that its meant to happen to others, but it just doesn't feel right. When I see *****'s posters in shop windows it doesn't feel like my friend. When i lie awake at night and think again and agian and again what has happened, how could it have happened.... what is the meaning of everything.... it doesn't seem real.
It still hasn't hit me yet, I don't think. Sometimes when i cry because of something stupid, i think about ***** and maybe that's why I'm so upset. Somehow, I don't think so, though. Somehow this isn't the end.
I went to Devon the other day and stopped at a service station, and the same one on the way back. It was just outside Bristol. I knew ***** wouldn't be there, but i couldn't help looking for her. I've invisaged a thousand times what would happen if I found her, if I saw her. Many possibilities. However, I know deep down that I probably will never see her and be the one to let her family know she's safe, no matter how much I want to. I looked around that service station for ages, feeling (i know this sounds stupid.... closer to her. I do belive she's in Bristol, or near it. I could see Bristol (or the outskirts of it) from Devon, the coast. Wales, Cardiff, all along there and I just didn't want to be there anymore. I couldn't help thinking - what if ***** is just across the water?
I know it again, sounds stupid, but when Im older I'm going to go and visit there. I know i wasn't *****'s best friend, I know I wasn't anywhere near as close to her as her brother and other friends, but thats not the point. Whenever I go on the websites, read the posts and reply to the comments, I want to do more. I set up this site, but it's not enough. I want everyone in England to know about *****, and it can't just be me that feels the same way. Her family are desperate to get her back, and i feel a grest sense of reassureance when i think about fundraising or ask people to do this, that, or put up a poster. How selfish does that sound? Very.
***** was, just a friend. The one i got told off for turning to talk to in English, the one who hid her phone with her hair as she texted people - every time. The one who i used to eat icing with in ICS, and the one who ++++++ and I left her chair empty for weeks after her dissapearance, in hope, and respect that she'd be sitting with us again soon.
Theres more I want to say, but i think i've written enough, and i dont think i can write anymore.
Sorry if i've offended anyone in writing this, i don't see how i can have, but i still feel bad for writing this down.
We miss you ***** X
.......................................................................................................................................................................
People on this website have been so kind and lovely, discussing ****** disapearance and offering words of support.
However, they don't know really the whole story do they? Who does? I don't! This feels like something out of a story book, or something you'd see on the news. Like on a story I read today that someone who spoke to ***** wrote, 'it's not meant to happen to you, just other people!' Not saying that its meant to happen to others, but it just doesn't feel right. When I see *****'s posters in shop windows it doesn't feel like my friend. When i lie awake at night and think again and agian and again what has happened, how could it have happened.... what is the meaning of everything.... it doesn't seem real.
It still hasn't hit me yet, I don't think. Sometimes when i cry because of something stupid, i think about ***** and maybe that's why I'm so upset. Somehow, I don't think so, though. Somehow this isn't the end.
I went to Devon the other day and stopped at a service station, and the same one on the way back. It was just outside Bristol. I knew ***** wouldn't be there, but i couldn't help looking for her. I've invisaged a thousand times what would happen if I found her, if I saw her. Many possibilities. However, I know deep down that I probably will never see her and be the one to let her family know she's safe, no matter how much I want to. I looked around that service station for ages, feeling (i know this sounds stupid.... closer to her. I do belive she's in Bristol, or near it. I could see Bristol (or the outskirts of it) from Devon, the coast. Wales, Cardiff, all along there and I just didn't want to be there anymore. I couldn't help thinking - what if ***** is just across the water?
I know it again, sounds stupid, but when Im older I'm going to go and visit there. I know i wasn't *****'s best friend, I know I wasn't anywhere near as close to her as her brother and other friends, but thats not the point. Whenever I go on the websites, read the posts and reply to the comments, I want to do more. I set up this site, but it's not enough. I want everyone in England to know about *****, and it can't just be me that feels the same way. Her family are desperate to get her back, and i feel a grest sense of reassureance when i think about fundraising or ask people to do this, that, or put up a poster. How selfish does that sound? Very.
***** was, just a friend. The one i got told off for turning to talk to in English, the one who hid her phone with her hair as she texted people - every time. The one who i used to eat icing with in ICS, and the one who ++++++ and I left her chair empty for weeks after her dissapearance, in hope, and respect that she'd be sitting with us again soon.
Theres more I want to say, but i think i've written enough, and i dont think i can write anymore.
Sorry if i've offended anyone in writing this, i don't see how i can have, but i still feel bad for writing this down.
We miss you ***** X
CROP Conference November 2007
I was very proud to be invited to make a speech at the national conference on sexual exploitation in Leeds this year,the conference was organised by CROP who are a support group for families affected by sexual grooming.
It was reassuring to know that we are not the only family affected by this nightmare situation,however some of the stories we heard were truly harrowing.There were approx 100 people at the conference,mostly from support groups,the guest speakers included ;
Nimesh Jani -Senior advisor to the Attorney General and Solicitor General,
Sven Gunnar Liden - the Swedish experience,
Peter Clark - Department for children,schools,
Ann Lucas - UK Human Trafficking centre
As a parent fairly new to this whole situation I felt like a fish out of water,I should be getting used to it by now,after all this whole year has been a steep learning curve and far from my comfort zone.
I have to admit the conference left me feeling that the authorities are either unaware of the seriousness of the situation or that they just don't care because it hasn't happened to them.
what would happen if one of the politician's children went through a similar situation?I'm sure the law would be changed overnight,there is no way they would be feeling the way that we all do.The laws of this country need to be changed,children have to be protected from this vile crime and criminals have to be punished for their crimes.
When I was asked to make my speech,I was told to talk about my experience,I wasn't sure what to write,how could I possibly condense 8 months into 6 minutes?
Another mum stood up and spoke about her story first,it left me feeling a bit concerned that what I had written wasn't what they wanted but in fact we had complimented each other with our different styles of writing.
The feedback from the conference was apparently very good,many people had commented that hearing directly from parents had made the whole problem seem much more real,for those of you who have asked to see my speech,here it is....
........................................................................................................................................................................
I'm not quite sure what makes me qualified to stand here today,I'm not in any way experienced at public speaking,Up until early this year I had never even heard of CROP,I new nothing of sexual exploitation,or the consequences of it,To be perfectly honest I wish I still didn't.
Some of you may recognise me from TV appeals or press reports,I really wish you didn't,I wanted to carry on my life as a no-body,I wanted to live with my husband and children around me,My quiet,dull life,in a sleepy market town,where nothing much happens.
Earlier this year our family was thrown into complete turmoil,Our lives turned upside down,We have been left in an impossible situation,Experienced emotions that we didn't know existed,And visited the darkest of places in our minds,
I often ask why has this happened to US?Why not someone else?Surely it happens to OTHER people,Not our family,we're just normal,Or at least we used to be,
We sat with friends last New Years Eve,Just chatting and having a laugh,I clearly remember us all saying that we couldn't name a local bobby,We'd never had any dealings with the police,Lets face it we never needed to,
By February this year that was to change,Our 15 year old daughter disappeared after getting involved with an older man,We didn't approve,the circumstances weren't right,It wasn't a NORMAL relationship,Something felt VERY wrong but we couldn't pinpoint what at first.
Why would he shower her with gifts,and then threaten to kill himself,Why should he keep supplying her with secret mobile phones,What could he achieve by threatening her friends,Did he get a kick out of playing mind games?He certainly enjoyed the attention of the police.
I'm sure she thought we just didn't like him,But even now we have still never met him,He phoned 999 on a regular basis,reporting us for everything,Bullying,harrasment,assault,and even child abuse....you name it, he said it,He also made complaints against dozens of police officers.
Since that fateful day we have learnt so much,Sat in meetings with senior police officers,Amassed a huge amount of information,evidence and such like,We have stepped into a different world,It started a never ending roller coaster ride of emotions.
Some of what we have learnt has scared us to death,some things have left us plain angry,:) Each time something bad happens,CROP are there to reassure us,They keep telling us it's normal,Whatever normal is in our lives these days,
It's normal to have your lives turned upside down,Normal to be on first name terms with senior police officers,Normal to sit in meetings at silver command suite,Normal to go on live TV,pleading for information,Normal to be accused of the most horrendous crimes
We've been really lucky in some respects,The police officers handling our case have been great,They have showed both compassion and professionalism,They have strived to get a conviction,Despite the red tape restricting them,
Sadly the reality is that criminals are protected in today's society,they are getting away with the most horrendous crimes,Children are at risk of sexual exploitation,And as parents......we don't have rightsAnd if you think we do then you are sadly mistaken,
What makes it right for these people to get away with their crimes?How do they slip through the net,time and time again?Who is responsible for children over the age of 15?Is it still the parents........only if the law suits!Ask any police officer and they will tell you..it's a grey area!
Ask social services if you dare,As a parent you can be prosecuted if your child doesn't attend school,Even if you don't know where they are,Don't ask them any tricky questions though,You could be waiting a very long time for the answer,
I've spent many a sleepless night this year searching the great internet,I could go online now and find men searching for vulnerable girls,Chatting them up on web sites,arranging to meet up,for friendship or more!During my searches I found one such girl who had been in a similar situation,Her story scared me to death,the man concerned was VERY familiar to us.
The police officer in charge of our case worked tirelessly for a conviction,he accumulated mountains of evidence,a man was issued with child abduction papers,he was later arrested on sexual grooming charges,Sadly each time the case was submitted,the cps turned it down,due to lack of hard evidence.
I still love my daughter dearly,although we haven't seen her for nearly 8 monthsI love the caring,gentle girl she once was,The kind and compassionate girl I was so proud of,Will I ever see my daughter again? Who knows?perhaps one day she will be free to think for herself again.
It may be too late to save our family,But it's not too late to help others,It's time to get the laws changed,IT'S TIME TO START PROTECTING CHILDRENTIME TO PROSECUTE THE CRIMINALS
TAKE ACTION NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE
THANK YOU
It was reassuring to know that we are not the only family affected by this nightmare situation,however some of the stories we heard were truly harrowing.There were approx 100 people at the conference,mostly from support groups,the guest speakers included ;
Nimesh Jani -Senior advisor to the Attorney General and Solicitor General,
Sven Gunnar Liden - the Swedish experience,
Peter Clark - Department for children,schools,
Ann Lucas - UK Human Trafficking centre
As a parent fairly new to this whole situation I felt like a fish out of water,I should be getting used to it by now,after all this whole year has been a steep learning curve and far from my comfort zone.
I have to admit the conference left me feeling that the authorities are either unaware of the seriousness of the situation or that they just don't care because it hasn't happened to them.
what would happen if one of the politician's children went through a similar situation?I'm sure the law would be changed overnight,there is no way they would be feeling the way that we all do.The laws of this country need to be changed,children have to be protected from this vile crime and criminals have to be punished for their crimes.
When I was asked to make my speech,I was told to talk about my experience,I wasn't sure what to write,how could I possibly condense 8 months into 6 minutes?
Another mum stood up and spoke about her story first,it left me feeling a bit concerned that what I had written wasn't what they wanted but in fact we had complimented each other with our different styles of writing.
The feedback from the conference was apparently very good,many people had commented that hearing directly from parents had made the whole problem seem much more real,for those of you who have asked to see my speech,here it is....
........................................................................................................................................................................
I'm not quite sure what makes me qualified to stand here today,I'm not in any way experienced at public speaking,Up until early this year I had never even heard of CROP,I new nothing of sexual exploitation,or the consequences of it,To be perfectly honest I wish I still didn't.
Some of you may recognise me from TV appeals or press reports,I really wish you didn't,I wanted to carry on my life as a no-body,I wanted to live with my husband and children around me,My quiet,dull life,in a sleepy market town,where nothing much happens.
Earlier this year our family was thrown into complete turmoil,Our lives turned upside down,We have been left in an impossible situation,Experienced emotions that we didn't know existed,And visited the darkest of places in our minds,
I often ask why has this happened to US?Why not someone else?Surely it happens to OTHER people,Not our family,we're just normal,Or at least we used to be,
We sat with friends last New Years Eve,Just chatting and having a laugh,I clearly remember us all saying that we couldn't name a local bobby,We'd never had any dealings with the police,Lets face it we never needed to,
By February this year that was to change,Our 15 year old daughter disappeared after getting involved with an older man,We didn't approve,the circumstances weren't right,It wasn't a NORMAL relationship,Something felt VERY wrong but we couldn't pinpoint what at first.
Why would he shower her with gifts,and then threaten to kill himself,Why should he keep supplying her with secret mobile phones,What could he achieve by threatening her friends,Did he get a kick out of playing mind games?He certainly enjoyed the attention of the police.
I'm sure she thought we just didn't like him,But even now we have still never met him,He phoned 999 on a regular basis,reporting us for everything,Bullying,harrasment,assault,and even child abuse....you name it, he said it,He also made complaints against dozens of police officers.
Since that fateful day we have learnt so much,Sat in meetings with senior police officers,Amassed a huge amount of information,evidence and such like,We have stepped into a different world,It started a never ending roller coaster ride of emotions.
Some of what we have learnt has scared us to death,some things have left us plain angry,:) Each time something bad happens,CROP are there to reassure us,They keep telling us it's normal,Whatever normal is in our lives these days,
It's normal to have your lives turned upside down,Normal to be on first name terms with senior police officers,Normal to sit in meetings at silver command suite,Normal to go on live TV,pleading for information,Normal to be accused of the most horrendous crimes
We've been really lucky in some respects,The police officers handling our case have been great,They have showed both compassion and professionalism,They have strived to get a conviction,Despite the red tape restricting them,
Sadly the reality is that criminals are protected in today's society,they are getting away with the most horrendous crimes,Children are at risk of sexual exploitation,And as parents......we don't have rightsAnd if you think we do then you are sadly mistaken,
What makes it right for these people to get away with their crimes?How do they slip through the net,time and time again?Who is responsible for children over the age of 15?Is it still the parents........only if the law suits!Ask any police officer and they will tell you..it's a grey area!
Ask social services if you dare,As a parent you can be prosecuted if your child doesn't attend school,Even if you don't know where they are,Don't ask them any tricky questions though,You could be waiting a very long time for the answer,
I've spent many a sleepless night this year searching the great internet,I could go online now and find men searching for vulnerable girls,Chatting them up on web sites,arranging to meet up,for friendship or more!During my searches I found one such girl who had been in a similar situation,Her story scared me to death,the man concerned was VERY familiar to us.
The police officer in charge of our case worked tirelessly for a conviction,he accumulated mountains of evidence,a man was issued with child abduction papers,he was later arrested on sexual grooming charges,Sadly each time the case was submitted,the cps turned it down,due to lack of hard evidence.
I still love my daughter dearly,although we haven't seen her for nearly 8 monthsI love the caring,gentle girl she once was,The kind and compassionate girl I was so proud of,Will I ever see my daughter again? Who knows?perhaps one day she will be free to think for herself again.
It may be too late to save our family,But it's not too late to help others,It's time to get the laws changed,IT'S TIME TO START PROTECTING CHILDRENTIME TO PROSECUTE THE CRIMINALS
TAKE ACTION NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE
THANK YOU
Just what is sexual grooming
[From Wikipedia]
The deliberate actions taken by an adult to form a trusting relationship with a child, with the intent of later having sexual contact is known as child grooming. The act of grooming a child sexually may include activities that are legal in and of themselves, but later lead to sexual contact. Typically, this is done to gain the child's trust as well as the trust of those responsible for the child's wellbeing. Furthermore, research has shown children are less likely to report a crime if it involves someone that he or she knows, trusts, and cares about. Additionally, a trusting relationship with the family means the child's parents will be less likely to believe any potential accusations.
Examples of grooming activities
Taking an undue interest in someone's child (having a "special" friend)
Giving gifts or money to the child for no apparent reason
Taking the child on outings, away from protective adults
Talking about sexual topics that are not age-appropriate
Invading the child's privacy (e.g. walking in on him/her in the bathroom)
Hugging, kissing, or other physical contact even when the child does not want this attention
Allowing the child to get away with inappropriate behavior
Talking to the child about problems that would normally be discussed with adults (e.g. marital problems)
Child grooming over the Internet
Child sex abusers find the internet an easier place to take part in a variety of child sexual abuse activity including contact with children due to the anonymity of the medium. Some abusers will pose as children online and make arrangements to meet with them in person.
The three stages of grooming [from CROP]
Initial contact is often made in public places such as at school, in shopping malls, entertainment arcades, cinemas, bus or train stations, but may also be through the internet. Even if the initial contact is of her own age, the girl may be passed on to an older ‘friend’ who flatters her with gifts, attractive outings and extravagant promises. She is gradually inveigled into truanting from school, becoming secretive, returning home late and spending increasingly shorter times with her family as well as being introduced to alcohol and drugs.
In the second phase of grooming and exploitation, the friendly association turns into an exchange of favours. Sexual responses are sought as a means to pay back the money spent on cigarettes, drinks, drugs, lifts in cars and mobile phones. As exploitation increases so she is alienated from her family and other support systems such as friends and teachers. She may comply with the perpetrator’s demands out of fear for her own and her family’s safety.
In the third phase, the pimp completely controls the girl’s life. As far as possible he severs her relationships with her family and any other friends or support systems. Threats are made about her own and her family’s safety if she does not comply with the wishes of the pimp. It is very difficult for the girl to break out of this situation of control and dependence, especially as she may by then be addicted to drugs.
Warning signs[from CROP]
• Links with an older man (or occasionally woman) This is often one of the most common warning signs. Those who exploit and control young people often will target those who seem vulnerable or susceptible to grooming. Part of the grooming process will be offering them something exciting and ‘grown up'. Parents should be aware however that more recently a growing trend seems to be for young men the same age or slightly older than the girl concerned to ‘court' her first, before then introducing her to the older man. It is most unlikely that much information will be given freely about these men, and even less likely that you will get to meet them, even though your daughter may have been perfectly happy in the past to bring boyfriends and friends home. Parents should also be aware that in the first instance some pimps use other women/girls to groom their ‘target' for them.
• Mood changes – A lot of parents identify this by saying it is as if she has a split personality. This can manifest itself in many ways – being hyperactive, secretiveness, hostility and aggression, impatience, resentment, anxiousness, withdrawal (sometimes it is very difficult to distinguish this from ‘normal' teenage behaviour!) Young people can also begin to exhibit signs of mental illness, depression, can develop sleeping or eating disorders, and can also begin to self-harm. Typically an abuser will also attempt to isolate young people from their family and friends, so this is something else to be mindful of.
• Changes in appearance - she may often look ill and tired. This may be associated with beginning to take drugs, or struggling to come to terms with abuse. If you suspect that your child is taking drugs, make sure you get good information about drugs and drug use, which neither exaggerates the risks nor understates the dangers.
• Different language - your daughter may start to use street language and copy the way her new associates speak. It has been known for girls to be taught some knowledge of a new language. This can involve a new knowledge of sexual practices or drug taking. Your child may also start to talk about new friends outside her normal social circle, which may cause you concern
• New style of dress/hairstyle/make up - your daughter may start to dress inappropriately in revealing clothing often unsuitable for the weather outside or in the same mode of dress as others, e.g. track suits, large ear rings, hair tied back rather than the loose style you would normally see. She may even change the colour of her hair. She may start to wear a larger amount of make up than normal and experiment with this to make herself look older. This is difficult to distinguish from normal teenage experimentation, but repeated examples of this along with other changes in behaviour should give rise to concern. Similarly it is possible for some young people being abused to deliberately seek to make themselves unattractive by, for example, not washing or wearing loose baggy clothing.
• New possessions - such as jewellery and clothing which is being given to her. She may also have large amounts of money which she cannot account for
• Mobile phone – she may possess a new mobile given to her by a ‘friend'. Excessive use of this either via voice calls or text messaging should be closely monitored. * Be aware that many of the newer mobiles have the ability to take pictures and can also be linked to the internet. Educate yourself in the art of text messaging and become observant of the need for her to get out of the house immediately after or during a mobile phone call or text message. There may also be frequent, secretive calls to her mobile, which often precede her leaving the house.
• Staying out overnight - one of the biggest indicators that a young person might be involved in an exploitative relationship is if she begins to stay out overnight, especially if this is with an older man. Also an issue of concern is if the older man is taking your child to restaurants, wine bars or other adult venues. This is particularly appealing to teenagers and can be a key point in any grooming process. Be aware that drugs may have been used if your child cannot remember what happened whilst she was away from home.
• Truanting from school – this is again is a good example of the isolating process of grooming. Your child may frequently abscond from school and may be seen getting into a car outside the school premises. Interest in school, friends and schoolwork will wane. Staff at school may also begin to see a difference in her behaviour.
• Telling lies - your daughter may begin to tell lies about where she has been and whom she has been with. Your daughter may also become knowledgeable about certain aspects of the law, and may become inexplicably hostile to agencies such as the police and social services. Some young people have claimed to have been abused by parents and asked to be placed in social services accommodation. Residential units and foster carers often find it hard to prevent young people leaving premises to see their ‘boyfriends', so this may be the motivation behind the request, which will have been suggested by the abuser .
• Drug use - often drugs will be involved, probably starting with cannabis and sometimes moving onto harder drugs such as crack, amphetamines, ecstasy and heroin. Your child may not be aware that she has been given drugs. It is very easy to put cannabis in with tobacco to make a ‘roll up'. Educate yourself about drugs and know the signs of drug abuse. Look for physical evidence - spoons, silver foil, ‘tabs', ‘rocks', etc - secreted in bedrooms.
• A new name - pimps often give girls a new name to avoid detection if she is picked up on the street. You may come across evidence of this in your daughter's possession, e.g. false identification, a stolen passport or driving licence.
• Motor vehicles are now being used more frequently by pimps to pick up young people. Be observant about her talking of new friends with cars or being picked up from outside your house or down the street. Watch for links to her mobile, car horns and her going out. If possible try to keep a note of registration numbers, type and colour of car etc. if this should happen.
• Use of Internet – It is possible for a child to be groomed in the first instance over the internet. Set boundaries for the use of the internet in your house and regularly monitor chat rooms, instant messages, internet relay chat and your child's e-mail. Contact the police immediately if you find that your child has received child pornography, sexual explicit images or been sexually solicited by someone via the internet.
What you should do if you believe your child is a victim of grooming
• Go with your instincts – you have the life knowledge your child has yet to gain. Do not underestimate the seriousness and dangers and make sure all the professionals who are coming into contact with your child are aware of your concerns.
• Have rules about using the internet, especially about giving out personal information such as names, age and addresses and arranging meetings.
• Report to the police every time your child goes missing.
• Keep diaries and detailed notes of all incidents involving your child.
• Keep your child's birth certificate and passport locked away in a safe place.
• Always bear in mind that your child is a victim and may have been targeted by a ruthless, clever and manipulative criminal. He knows exactly what he is doing, and part of that will be to cause conflict between you and your child. At times it will be hard, but please ~
keep the ‘door open' to your child.
CROP is the working name of The Coalition for the Removal of Pimping, based in Leeds
Telephone numbers:
0113 240 3040
mobile : 079 6001 8884
further enquiries 0113 266 7214
CROP's postal address is :
34 York Road,
LEEDS
LS9 8TA
Email : info@cropuk.org.uk
Website http://www.cropuk.org.uk/
The deliberate actions taken by an adult to form a trusting relationship with a child, with the intent of later having sexual contact is known as child grooming. The act of grooming a child sexually may include activities that are legal in and of themselves, but later lead to sexual contact. Typically, this is done to gain the child's trust as well as the trust of those responsible for the child's wellbeing. Furthermore, research has shown children are less likely to report a crime if it involves someone that he or she knows, trusts, and cares about. Additionally, a trusting relationship with the family means the child's parents will be less likely to believe any potential accusations.
Examples of grooming activities
Taking an undue interest in someone's child (having a "special" friend)
Giving gifts or money to the child for no apparent reason
Taking the child on outings, away from protective adults
Talking about sexual topics that are not age-appropriate
Invading the child's privacy (e.g. walking in on him/her in the bathroom)
Hugging, kissing, or other physical contact even when the child does not want this attention
Allowing the child to get away with inappropriate behavior
Talking to the child about problems that would normally be discussed with adults (e.g. marital problems)
Child grooming over the Internet
Child sex abusers find the internet an easier place to take part in a variety of child sexual abuse activity including contact with children due to the anonymity of the medium. Some abusers will pose as children online and make arrangements to meet with them in person.
The three stages of grooming [from CROP]
Initial contact is often made in public places such as at school, in shopping malls, entertainment arcades, cinemas, bus or train stations, but may also be through the internet. Even if the initial contact is of her own age, the girl may be passed on to an older ‘friend’ who flatters her with gifts, attractive outings and extravagant promises. She is gradually inveigled into truanting from school, becoming secretive, returning home late and spending increasingly shorter times with her family as well as being introduced to alcohol and drugs.
In the second phase of grooming and exploitation, the friendly association turns into an exchange of favours. Sexual responses are sought as a means to pay back the money spent on cigarettes, drinks, drugs, lifts in cars and mobile phones. As exploitation increases so she is alienated from her family and other support systems such as friends and teachers. She may comply with the perpetrator’s demands out of fear for her own and her family’s safety.
In the third phase, the pimp completely controls the girl’s life. As far as possible he severs her relationships with her family and any other friends or support systems. Threats are made about her own and her family’s safety if she does not comply with the wishes of the pimp. It is very difficult for the girl to break out of this situation of control and dependence, especially as she may by then be addicted to drugs.
Warning signs[from CROP]
• Links with an older man (or occasionally woman) This is often one of the most common warning signs. Those who exploit and control young people often will target those who seem vulnerable or susceptible to grooming. Part of the grooming process will be offering them something exciting and ‘grown up'. Parents should be aware however that more recently a growing trend seems to be for young men the same age or slightly older than the girl concerned to ‘court' her first, before then introducing her to the older man. It is most unlikely that much information will be given freely about these men, and even less likely that you will get to meet them, even though your daughter may have been perfectly happy in the past to bring boyfriends and friends home. Parents should also be aware that in the first instance some pimps use other women/girls to groom their ‘target' for them.
• Mood changes – A lot of parents identify this by saying it is as if she has a split personality. This can manifest itself in many ways – being hyperactive, secretiveness, hostility and aggression, impatience, resentment, anxiousness, withdrawal (sometimes it is very difficult to distinguish this from ‘normal' teenage behaviour!) Young people can also begin to exhibit signs of mental illness, depression, can develop sleeping or eating disorders, and can also begin to self-harm. Typically an abuser will also attempt to isolate young people from their family and friends, so this is something else to be mindful of.
• Changes in appearance - she may often look ill and tired. This may be associated with beginning to take drugs, or struggling to come to terms with abuse. If you suspect that your child is taking drugs, make sure you get good information about drugs and drug use, which neither exaggerates the risks nor understates the dangers.
• Different language - your daughter may start to use street language and copy the way her new associates speak. It has been known for girls to be taught some knowledge of a new language. This can involve a new knowledge of sexual practices or drug taking. Your child may also start to talk about new friends outside her normal social circle, which may cause you concern
• New style of dress/hairstyle/make up - your daughter may start to dress inappropriately in revealing clothing often unsuitable for the weather outside or in the same mode of dress as others, e.g. track suits, large ear rings, hair tied back rather than the loose style you would normally see. She may even change the colour of her hair. She may start to wear a larger amount of make up than normal and experiment with this to make herself look older. This is difficult to distinguish from normal teenage experimentation, but repeated examples of this along with other changes in behaviour should give rise to concern. Similarly it is possible for some young people being abused to deliberately seek to make themselves unattractive by, for example, not washing or wearing loose baggy clothing.
• New possessions - such as jewellery and clothing which is being given to her. She may also have large amounts of money which she cannot account for
• Mobile phone – she may possess a new mobile given to her by a ‘friend'. Excessive use of this either via voice calls or text messaging should be closely monitored. * Be aware that many of the newer mobiles have the ability to take pictures and can also be linked to the internet. Educate yourself in the art of text messaging and become observant of the need for her to get out of the house immediately after or during a mobile phone call or text message. There may also be frequent, secretive calls to her mobile, which often precede her leaving the house.
• Staying out overnight - one of the biggest indicators that a young person might be involved in an exploitative relationship is if she begins to stay out overnight, especially if this is with an older man. Also an issue of concern is if the older man is taking your child to restaurants, wine bars or other adult venues. This is particularly appealing to teenagers and can be a key point in any grooming process. Be aware that drugs may have been used if your child cannot remember what happened whilst she was away from home.
• Truanting from school – this is again is a good example of the isolating process of grooming. Your child may frequently abscond from school and may be seen getting into a car outside the school premises. Interest in school, friends and schoolwork will wane. Staff at school may also begin to see a difference in her behaviour.
• Telling lies - your daughter may begin to tell lies about where she has been and whom she has been with. Your daughter may also become knowledgeable about certain aspects of the law, and may become inexplicably hostile to agencies such as the police and social services. Some young people have claimed to have been abused by parents and asked to be placed in social services accommodation. Residential units and foster carers often find it hard to prevent young people leaving premises to see their ‘boyfriends', so this may be the motivation behind the request, which will have been suggested by the abuser .
• Drug use - often drugs will be involved, probably starting with cannabis and sometimes moving onto harder drugs such as crack, amphetamines, ecstasy and heroin. Your child may not be aware that she has been given drugs. It is very easy to put cannabis in with tobacco to make a ‘roll up'. Educate yourself about drugs and know the signs of drug abuse. Look for physical evidence - spoons, silver foil, ‘tabs', ‘rocks', etc - secreted in bedrooms.
• A new name - pimps often give girls a new name to avoid detection if she is picked up on the street. You may come across evidence of this in your daughter's possession, e.g. false identification, a stolen passport or driving licence.
• Motor vehicles are now being used more frequently by pimps to pick up young people. Be observant about her talking of new friends with cars or being picked up from outside your house or down the street. Watch for links to her mobile, car horns and her going out. If possible try to keep a note of registration numbers, type and colour of car etc. if this should happen.
• Use of Internet – It is possible for a child to be groomed in the first instance over the internet. Set boundaries for the use of the internet in your house and regularly monitor chat rooms, instant messages, internet relay chat and your child's e-mail. Contact the police immediately if you find that your child has received child pornography, sexual explicit images or been sexually solicited by someone via the internet.
What you should do if you believe your child is a victim of grooming
• Go with your instincts – you have the life knowledge your child has yet to gain. Do not underestimate the seriousness and dangers and make sure all the professionals who are coming into contact with your child are aware of your concerns.
• Have rules about using the internet, especially about giving out personal information such as names, age and addresses and arranging meetings.
• Report to the police every time your child goes missing.
• Keep diaries and detailed notes of all incidents involving your child.
• Keep your child's birth certificate and passport locked away in a safe place.
• Always bear in mind that your child is a victim and may have been targeted by a ruthless, clever and manipulative criminal. He knows exactly what he is doing, and part of that will be to cause conflict between you and your child. At times it will be hard, but please ~
keep the ‘door open' to your child.
CROP is the working name of The Coalition for the Removal of Pimping, based in Leeds
Telephone numbers:
0113 240 3040
mobile : 079 6001 8884
further enquiries 0113 266 7214
CROP's postal address is :
34 York Road,
LEEDS
LS9 8TA
Email : info@cropuk.org.uk
Website http://www.cropuk.org.uk/
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