Parts of me stand still at the time my daughter disappeared,trapped in the emotion of losing something so precious,always blaming myself for not preventing the man getting his claws into her.How did I let it happen? Why couldn't I stop it? Am I the only one who cares?
Of course life has to go on,we have to work,pay the bills and get on with everyday life,unlike the high profile missing Maddie case we are not in a position to rely on a huge fund and travel the world,the truth is I wouldn't even if I could,it's not my way.
We have as much as possible carried on with our lives,yes I admit we have both taken time off work,but days rather than months,mostly to attend meetings with the police etc,
Our son has only missed a few days at school,we need to keep to his routine as much as possible,he may be a teenager but even so normality is something of a coping mechanism.
Some life changes are planned for,moving house,special holidays,maybe even a new car,but of course losing a loved one is something no-one would consider planning for,financially or emotionally.We have never had much money,nothing changes there,but we've always got by.
If someone asked me how much is in the bank now I wouldn't have a clue,it's one of those things I really don't care about anymore,I've lost interest,some things don't matter,I could be a millionaire and it wouldn't matter.The garden is a mess and the house is dirty,I haven't baked many cakes since she went,it hurts too much to remember the daft days when we used to have flour fights in the kitchen.
When a child goes missing,it's a bit like a bereavement,you think nothing will be the same again,of course normal things creep back into your life,you don't notice at first then suddenly you reach a point where you have to accept the past and move on.
I found myself at our local casualty department this week,waiting for my son to be x-rayed,my kids have always been in scrapes,falling off bikes etc so nothing unusual,perhaps the only difference was that big sis wasn't there this time for morale support.
The fight for justice goes on,perhaps not in the forefront of our lives,I will never forgive the dreaded wasps for their failings,if anything ever happens to my daughter they will have blood on their hands.Like so many others before her,our daughter is forgotten by the authorities because she is now 16,left in an environment that was once alien to her,gone is the sweet naive girl we knew,now in a life of crime and grime.Always in the hearts and minds of family,never forgotten by friends,some still mention her on websites this week,GCSE's are upon them but they will never forget such a special friend.
We are in a better position than last year,we can now plan weeks ahead,last year days were impossible,in fact even planning hours ahead were a risk.
Our son will have a fantastic summer in the sun,surrounded by people who love him,as for our daughter,who knows what the future holds?
Part of me is scared for her,knowing what has happened and what the man is capable off,unsure of why the wasps protect him so much and at the same time the police treat him with such contempt.
Part of me hates what our daughter has done to us,standing by a man who can cause so much havoc in our lives,letting us think she was dead.
I have to remind myself that she is a victim of crime and hope that one day she will break free ,and realise what he really is.Victims of sexual exploitation can take years to accept what has been done to them,let's just hope that her loved ones are still here when the truth dawns on her.
Much changes and life does go on.
Saturday, 8 March 2008
Sunday, 2 March 2008
Mothers Day
I remember the old days ,2006 and before,my daughter was always so loving especially on Mother's day.
I have a bundle of treasured memories,cards and keepsakes.Messages to say "I love you mum"
or "The best Mum in the world " .
I sit here today,thinking of Shannon Matthews and what her mum is going through,remembering back to last year when my daughter was missing,the pain and hurt that lives within you forever.What turned my kind and compassionate daughter into a complete stranger,what control did that man have over her?
Sitting on the kitchen unit today is a beautiful bouquet,from a loving daughter to her mum.
It is of course waiting to be collected by a neighbour,the florist didn't have a clue how symbolic it was to ask me to look after it.
I have a bundle of treasured memories,cards and keepsakes.Messages to say "I love you mum"
or "The best Mum in the world " .
I sit here today,thinking of Shannon Matthews and what her mum is going through,remembering back to last year when my daughter was missing,the pain and hurt that lives within you forever.What turned my kind and compassionate daughter into a complete stranger,what control did that man have over her?
Sitting on the kitchen unit today is a beautiful bouquet,from a loving daughter to her mum.
It is of course waiting to be collected by a neighbour,the florist didn't have a clue how symbolic it was to ask me to look after it.
Wednesday, 20 February 2008
Treasured Memories
After my daughter disappeared her belongings were put into storage,most of them at least.
Today my son wanted to sort through the few bits and bobs we have left here,I guess it's his way of dealing with the situation.The thought of looking through them again filled me with fear,knowing full well that my emotions are still raw.
As I sat looking at what remains,I wonder what sort of life she has now,will she ever be the same happy, carefree person she once was.
Back in September,just before her birthday,schoolfriends came to the house to film a TV appeal,they also brought presents and cards.Those presents remain unopened,still waiting for the loving girl to come home.
Today,I'm not sure why,I felt the need to open the cards and letters,some nagging doubt that one may just hold a clue to where everything went wrong.It was as though they were the only part of her that the police hadn't been through with a fine tooth comb.
One letter is from someone who was a very special friend,in fact they shared the same birthday
As I read that letter aloud to my son tears flowed down my cheeks,a neverending stream of bottled emotions.I don't know if that girl has made contact with my daughter since,I guess I may never know,but I do wonder if the man realises just how much pain he has caused.
As I pack these last few memories into a box along with the pink rabbit and brown teddy bear,I feel as though I'm closing a chapter in our lives.
Today my son wanted to sort through the few bits and bobs we have left here,I guess it's his way of dealing with the situation.The thought of looking through them again filled me with fear,knowing full well that my emotions are still raw.
As I sat looking at what remains,I wonder what sort of life she has now,will she ever be the same happy, carefree person she once was.
Back in September,just before her birthday,schoolfriends came to the house to film a TV appeal,they also brought presents and cards.Those presents remain unopened,still waiting for the loving girl to come home.
Today,I'm not sure why,I felt the need to open the cards and letters,some nagging doubt that one may just hold a clue to where everything went wrong.It was as though they were the only part of her that the police hadn't been through with a fine tooth comb.
One letter is from someone who was a very special friend,in fact they shared the same birthday
As I read that letter aloud to my son tears flowed down my cheeks,a neverending stream of bottled emotions.I don't know if that girl has made contact with my daughter since,I guess I may never know,but I do wonder if the man realises just how much pain he has caused.
As I pack these last few memories into a box along with the pink rabbit and brown teddy bear,I feel as though I'm closing a chapter in our lives.
Monday, 18 February 2008
The long fight for justice
Justice isn't something that will happen overnight,it may take years,but one day justice will come for all the victims of exploitation.
You see I have a dream,perhaps it is far-fetched,perhaps I'm crazy to believe in parent power but dreams make the world go around!
My hopes and dreams are the same as those of most people in my situation;
* Safety for our children
* Prosecution for the perpetrators
* Social workers who understand sexual exploitation
* Clear-cut rules on the oh so murky grey area
* 24/7 support for parents from people who genuinely understand the problem
* More safe houses for exploited girls and women
* Regular contact and updates from the authorities
The last year has opened my eyes to the unsavoury world of grooming,exploitation and lack of concern from the authorities.
You see I have a dream,perhaps it is far-fetched,perhaps I'm crazy to believe in parent power but dreams make the world go around!
My hopes and dreams are the same as those of most people in my situation;
* Safety for our children
* Prosecution for the perpetrators
* Social workers who understand sexual exploitation
* Clear-cut rules on the oh so murky grey area
* 24/7 support for parents from people who genuinely understand the problem
* More safe houses for exploited girls and women
* Regular contact and updates from the authorities
The last year has opened my eyes to the unsavoury world of grooming,exploitation and lack of concern from the authorities.
Saturday, 16 February 2008
Broken hearted
How can I help my son to get through this nightmare?
He's hurting so badly,a whole year without his sister,the anger and frustration is pushing him to the limit and no explanation,no reason.
Today is the first day of half term,this time last year my son could see his sister slipping away from us.He always looked up to her,they were so close,now he hates her for the pain we have all been through.I can't explain the reasons for what happened,I don't have the answers,I want to hold him close and tell him it will all be ok.......but will it?
I know today's a tough one,he doesn't have to tell me,I can tell by the music.
Certain songs have become symbolic:snow patrol...cars,Paramore...broken, the one on the youtube video for ceop,and of course Greenday.....September
Our lives have been turned upside down and the future scares the hell out of me.
If anything happens to my son I don't think I could go on,yet I can't stop him from living his life.
His big sis should be here to support him,not living a different life away from the people who love her.
He's hurting so badly,a whole year without his sister,the anger and frustration is pushing him to the limit and no explanation,no reason.
Today is the first day of half term,this time last year my son could see his sister slipping away from us.He always looked up to her,they were so close,now he hates her for the pain we have all been through.I can't explain the reasons for what happened,I don't have the answers,I want to hold him close and tell him it will all be ok.......but will it?
I know today's a tough one,he doesn't have to tell me,I can tell by the music.
Certain songs have become symbolic:snow patrol...cars,Paramore...broken, the one on the youtube video for ceop,and of course Greenday.....September
Our lives have been turned upside down and the future scares the hell out of me.
If anything happens to my son I don't think I could go on,yet I can't stop him from living his life.
His big sis should be here to support him,not living a different life away from the people who love her.
My horoscope
This really made me laugh,
Horoscopes are usually a load of coblers,but this one seems so accurate!
Taureans are often described as stubborn.Honestly! What were those astrologers thinking of? You? Set in your ways?Doggedly determined? Why that is about as likely as....as.....well...er...I suppose,they may have a point.But only sometimes.Only when there's justification or a goal worth achieving.It is not as though you pick fights for the sake of it.
This week something is wrong and it has to be put right.That's going to require every last ounce of strength.Don't apologise for your motivation and tenacity,be proud of it.
Horoscopes are usually a load of coblers,but this one seems so accurate!
Taureans are often described as stubborn.Honestly! What were those astrologers thinking of? You? Set in your ways?Doggedly determined? Why that is about as likely as....as.....well...er...I suppose,they may have a point.But only sometimes.Only when there's justification or a goal worth achieving.It is not as though you pick fights for the sake of it.
This week something is wrong and it has to be put right.That's going to require every last ounce of strength.Don't apologise for your motivation and tenacity,be proud of it.
Wednesday, 13 February 2008
Public Protection Order
13th February
This date sticks in my mind,or is it the pit of my stomach?
Looking back to this day last year,it was the realisation of just what what we were dealing with,just how evil and cunning someone could really be.
Our daughter had been missing for 3 days,the police had spoken to her on the phone and convinced her to call in at a local police station so that she could be "sighted".
We were initially relieved that she had been found safe and well but the events that followed have haunted me ever since.
When she went out on 10th Feb she had left a really nice letter,saying that she was going away with ***** for a few days,we were livid of course but the letter reassured us everything would be back to normal very soon.
When the two of them appeared at the Bristol police station,she was detained under a Public Protection order,what happened next is unclear as we were not presesnt,the information we have has come from police officers so we believe it to be a true account of the events of that night.
Our loving daughter under the control of the perpetrator accused my husband and I of being child abusers,I still feel sick today thinking about this.
We have never hurt our children and never would,the Police of course had to investigate,which we fully accepted.
Due to the allegations and the fact that she had been trafficked over 3 hours away from home ,it was decided to place her in temporary Foster care overnight,sadly after approximately 3 hours she disappeared,not to be seen again for 2 weeks.
I will never understand how this guy controlled her,was it drugs,brainwashing,who knows?
But control he did,he stole my daughter last February,stole a much loved sister,we are now left with so much uncertainty and so many unanswered questions.
So what about this year?
At the moment memories are still raw,we try to live a normal a life as possible,but the truth is our lives will never ever be the same.
February 2007 changed us all forever,some people say things happen for a reason,some days that is easier to believe than others.
As a parent I will never be able to forgive myself for not protecting my little girl,for not being able to stop the grooming process once I could see what was happening,something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
This date sticks in my mind,or is it the pit of my stomach?
Looking back to this day last year,it was the realisation of just what what we were dealing with,just how evil and cunning someone could really be.
Our daughter had been missing for 3 days,the police had spoken to her on the phone and convinced her to call in at a local police station so that she could be "sighted".
We were initially relieved that she had been found safe and well but the events that followed have haunted me ever since.
When she went out on 10th Feb she had left a really nice letter,saying that she was going away with ***** for a few days,we were livid of course but the letter reassured us everything would be back to normal very soon.
When the two of them appeared at the Bristol police station,she was detained under a Public Protection order,what happened next is unclear as we were not presesnt,the information we have has come from police officers so we believe it to be a true account of the events of that night.
Our loving daughter under the control of the perpetrator accused my husband and I of being child abusers,I still feel sick today thinking about this.
We have never hurt our children and never would,the Police of course had to investigate,which we fully accepted.
Due to the allegations and the fact that she had been trafficked over 3 hours away from home ,it was decided to place her in temporary Foster care overnight,sadly after approximately 3 hours she disappeared,not to be seen again for 2 weeks.
I will never understand how this guy controlled her,was it drugs,brainwashing,who knows?
But control he did,he stole my daughter last February,stole a much loved sister,we are now left with so much uncertainty and so many unanswered questions.
So what about this year?
At the moment memories are still raw,we try to live a normal a life as possible,but the truth is our lives will never ever be the same.
February 2007 changed us all forever,some people say things happen for a reason,some days that is easier to believe than others.
As a parent I will never be able to forgive myself for not protecting my little girl,for not being able to stop the grooming process once I could see what was happening,something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
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